Surat untuk Kekanda Tersayang

Posted Date: : Apr 11, 2004 6:03 PM
From: "haryani ngah" <="" i="">ni mamat ni assalamualaikum, email littlekordine@yahoo.com aku jarang doh check, pakai hok ni. it's about time. memula sekali aku nok mintak maaf pasal tak beritahu khabar. it's been a year rasanya aku tak stay kat machang. bukan drop out tapi aku quit sebab memang aku tak boleh carry on fine metal. takut spoil masa at the end. lagi lah waste of time money, and create constrain. aku takdok masalah masa first year, sebab masa tu belum masuk department. masa tu lepas 3 pointer. lecturer aku sendiri pesan suruh tukor department fine art (kat perak) atau graphic (kat melaka) bila masuk sem 3. tapi tak dapat (the fact is kalau tak pakai orang dalam, memang susah nak tukar). naik bahagian kemasukan pelajar berapa kali, diorang kata "sepatutnya semester 1 lagi kalau nak tukar cawangan". not good for me. semester 3 teruk. bila course tu aku tak minat, tak boleh bawak tapi move on jugak, bad thing happen. semester 4 aku declare quit dari uitm. so, what i had to do now? this is it. but this ruin thing start years and years ago, sebelum aku masuk u. like 5 years ago. aku tak tau, but we the whole family macam ada bad communication. once again, i don't know. confuse. kalau ikut apa yang aku nak buat, of course belajar sampai ke tua (maknanya, selagi boleh get higher. bukan maksudnya, sampai dah peringkat end of the day. get it?) and stand on your choice, like, you think, the right choice. doesn't mean aku kerja pun atas apa yang aku minat, yang aku belajar. mungkin jadi lain. tapi aku always stick with what i like, the art and design thing. i got to proof this. the problem here, aku ada limited access with the people in design kalau stay kat k terengganu. betul? salah!! the thing is i never learn to make life better. aku banyak duduk kat rumah saja tapi mahu stay at the top of the world. persoalan dia bukan i don't want to change thing, bukan soal tak nak get better, but i'm stuck. macamlah stuck dalam bilik with loads of lost art. and we never speak because we don't know how to speak and i don't know how to start thing. dan syukur, I'm not on drugs, jauh sekali. ayahanda dan ibunda tak kenal kawan aku, they thought we're on drugs (ada sekali). jauh sekali. ibunda pernah sekali, masih sebut perkara aku buat masa sekolah dulu even dah masuk peringkat higher learning (masa sekolah dulu, balik malam di hari khamis, end of the week of skooling days. masa tu, berkawan, never mean aku buat benda salah). time's change. but i'm always wrong. betul? betul sangat! there's something happen dengan emosi manusia. kalau ia terganggu, sama ada orang tu boleh kawal atau dia out of control. mine's always terganggu. tapi control. but then i never speak that much. aku tak tau macam mana bahasa emotional sickness tu kalau diterjemah ke dalam bahasa manusia. but i'm always keep quiet. dalam keluarga pulak, kalau tanya sepatah, jawab sepatah. tak payah nak bagi description. kekadang tu kalau sorang tu give their word, benda tu jadi final, kita macam tak boleh balas balik. end like that. masa mung takdok kat rumoh, time aku ada, update pasal aku mung tahu dari ayahanda dan ibunda saja. "mat dok buat benda, dok saja kat rumoh. pastu keluor. malam baru balik." tapi apa aku buat masa aku takdok kat rumah? they never know, mung dok akan tahu selagi the answer tak keluar dari mulut aku sendiri. ayahanda dan ibunda bagi basic description saja. but, then i was wrong. always wrong. i'm always try to make something out from what i learn. but to tell........ tapi betul, kita satu keluarga ni selalu kena tahu perkembangan diri. jangan terputus hubungan. no one else could help you. yes, you're right. i try to live my life my way, because if i don't then i will never learn a thing (and never change a thing). I am more secure now. sekarang ni aku kerja kat ROTTW, batu caves. kerja kait dengan magazine design (layout, art direction). Redesign 2 magazine, construct satu comic, provide illustration kekadang tu. ni pun process of learning kalau tak aku takdok experience langsung. ada free time aku join seminar on mac computer, design convention (17 & 18hb april ni kat berjaya times square, representing doxob.com. nama convention "Undiscovered Territory" Showcase), join art forum ataupun live music (kalau nak review gig). so, why kl? opportunity rasanya. most of my design friends stay here. kalau jumpa there's something we may share, sebab kitorang ni from the web design generation, jadi global sikit. ada connection dengan designer luar. kat malaysia takdok design conference macam singapore or HK, so we could start from here. pasal belajor, aku memang akan sambung belajor kalau aku well prepare. don't kid me, maksud aku jangan manjakan sangat. bukan aku gila sangat nok belajor graphic tapi kalau aku nok belajor, aku kena tengok ability aku to success, even ambik science computer, interior, animation. chef & pastry? hah! aku silap sebut. tapi bila-bila kalau aku nok belajor, aku kena support diri sendiri. sebab 2 kali doh. masa kat shah alam tu aku rasa macam dok ready je. tapi masa tu budok-budok, 18 tahun duduk kampung, dok tahu kala. kalu nok study balik, my physical and my mental should be in safe mode. tapi memang aku takdok rasa malas nok belajor, aku selalu minat nok belajor. aku kerja sekarang pun, aku belajor something. aku sampai kl aku dok straight kerja sini. I start with nothing. contact kawan aku. kerja macam-macam till now. masalah pun banyok, tapi kalu aku dok k terengganu, lagi aku dok belajor satu benda pun. harap kat ayahanda dan ibunda (dan mereka mula bising dari dalam). aku memang nok telefon ayahanda dan ibunda. bukan nok hilang gitu jer, tapi aku kena ambik masa to face the truth. that i failed. not once but twice. with or without my need, my desire. so, it's about time, mung pun buleh detect email aku. i swear i will never touch the net next time, hah! forget my designer friends. ok, joke. tempat tinggal aku dok tetap, kekadang kat shah alam, rumoh kawan, kekdang kat loke yew, kekadang stay kat office. kalu nok call, call office 03-61868690. memang ada financial constrain sebab aku buat kerja skang ni, projek. siap projek baru dapat payment. tapi rasanya, kalau aku buleh cover lagi walau seteruk manapun (like i said, kalau dok, then i will never learn). dateline bulan 6. aku buleh buat design bulan-bulan tapi setakat ni dok involve, sikit jer contribution. bulan 6 baru start. sibuk sikit. pastu bagi nombor telefon semua ahli keluarga because i left somewhere else (the ultimate reason for not making a call). aku akan telefon rumoh, tapi aku rasa biar mung beritau diorang dulu that i'm okay. kirim salam belaka. mitok maaf banyok-banyok kat ayahanda dan ibunda dan saudara-mara. bukan niat nak bagi mereka susoh,.... but i am so human. weak. sure, i will never do the same, because we never have this kind of speech before. good start. i love you and them. wassalam, ahmad nazri Batu Caves, Selangor, Malaysia